I tell couples all the time that they should adopt a no fight agreement. Often their response is, ”Are you
serious? Everybody fights.” Yes, but there’s a difference between good fighting and bad fighting. The
no fight agreement is about agreeing to avoid bad fights. A bad fight is destructive, damaging, hurtful,
disrespectful, put downs, name calling, threats, accusations, use of bad language, etc. This type of
fighting is never acceptable. Just imagine the impact if every couple made a no fight agreement and
stuck to it. It would transform the institution of marriage!
To institute the rule, both of you agree that if any time one of you senses that your headed towards a bad
fight, one of you says, “I feel we’re going into a bad place. I refuse to fight with you but I am very
interested in talking about the issue that’s bothering you.”
So once bad fighting is off the table, the only option left is to communicate and problem solve
effectively. Here is a great tool for helping couples understand how to communicate and problem solve
effectively. It was developed by Harville Hendricks the innovator of Imago therapy, called the Imago
Dialogue.
Step 1: Ask for a meeting.
Never ambush your partner or try to start a conversation without his or her
consent.
Implication is I need to talk and need you to listen
Step 2: Mirror the speaker: The key to effective listening
Listening doesn’t mean agreement
Stay close to your partner’s words
Ask: Did I get that right?
Ask: Is there more you want to say about this?
Look for the underlying issue to surface
Step 3: Summarize what you heard
Trying to get the big picture
Ask: Do you feel I understand what you said?
Step 4: Validate: Validating perceptions. Seeing the issue from your
partner’s perspective. Validating her subjectivity.
“You make sense to me. I understand where you’re coming from when
you talk about….”
Step 5: Empathize: Validating feelings. Getting how your partner is feeling
“I understand that when this happens, you feel angry and alone.”
Step 6: The ask
“Is there anything I can do to help make this better for you?”
Step 7: Complete repair; means no bad feelings are left over