Shame is the feeling that results when we judge ourselves as bad and then beat ourselves up
Whenever we tell ourselves we’re bad for some thought, behavior, mistake, habit, feeling, desire, intention, limitation, etc. we feel shame. Shame is the emotional experience of low self-esteem. Those who struggle with their self-worth experience constant shame. Constant shame leads to beating yourself up, self-hate and depression.
Here are two suggestions to help you begin to not beat yourself up:
1. Be aware of your feelings and self-talk
We are always feeling and talking to ourselves about how we’re feeling. For one day try to be aware of
every time you beat yourself up. You may be surprised at how often you tell yourself you’re bad, stupid, a
failure, etc.
Here are some examples:
“You over slept again. What a lazy bum”
“You lost your temper again at your assistant. Don’t you have any self-control?”
“You totally spaced out at the class. Your attention span stinks.”
“You pigged out again on desert. You’re a hopeless case.”
“No one likes you. At the party only one person talked to you.”
2. Replace judging yourself with becoming curious and getting to know yourself better
When you catch yourself beating yourself up, say, “Oh, I lost my temper again, I seem to have trouble
controlling my anger. I wonder why?”
Oh, I over slept again. This is not the person I want to be. I need to figure out what’s going on with me in
the mornings.” Saying, “Oh,” puts a pause on the automatic response of judging and opens up the possibility for becoming curious. When we become curious about our behavior rather than judging our behavior, we shift from shame to seeking to understand ourselves. Beating ourselves up leaves us in a state of stagnation and stops us from understanding ourselves better.
There’s always a choice: To judge myself or understand myself.
Seeking to understand ourselves, leads to growth and self-improvement. Beating ourselves destroys the
possibility for growth and self-improvement.