- The relationship pattern and cycle is the problem not the other person. The relationship system is broken and unhealthy.
- The problem is that there is a horrible sense of feeling unsafe and expecting to be hurt by the other person. Presently, every interaction is fraught with danger and fear of being rejected, attacked, and abandoned. There is no trust that the other person will make me feel safe. Rather there is an expectation that the other person will move away from me, cause me pain, and leave me alone and hurting.
- The goal of therapy is to create a new, healthy interaction pattern. Healing and emotional trust come about by creating a new relational pattern by repeating over and over healing micro interactions.
- The goal is to create a new pattern of interactions that removes the expectation of danger and is replaced by an expectation of feeling safe.
- The focus of these micro interactions is to notice the quality of your “reaching out—response” pattern.
- We want to create a “new reach out-response” pattern that creates an emotional experiences of repair and safety. This basic pattern looks like this:
One person reaches out—we’re always reaching out even in destructive ways
The other responds—we’re always responding
In an interaction of repair, the first feels understood and accepted
Both experience connection, safety, trust, and calm
7. This type of work requires great awareness, honesty, and strength to control one’s natural reactivity and impulsivity and tolerate intense uncomfortable feelings.
8. This work requires consistent collaboration and communication: Listening, validating, and staying emotionally present under great stress and discomfort.
9.We start by “turning from the bad.” Stop destructive behaviors such as stonewalling, gas lighting, criticizing, shaming, verbal assaults, etc. Partner feedback is important.
10. To calm and soothe your extremely disregulated nervous system, we practice VOO breathing and other grounding tools.