There are two types of anger. The first type is anger most of us experience when someone does not act in accord with our will, needs and expectations. The guy schmoozing with the bank teller when I’m tenth in line and feeling pressured to get to the office makes me angry. When my wife doesn’t meet my love language for words of affirmation, I react with anger. When the rabbi talks longer than I prefer, I feel angry at him.
This type of anger is manageable in that one can learn to control it by working on the character trait of patience which is the ability to tolerate the pain that other people cause when they oppose my will. Patience requires recognizing that the world does not revolve around my will, needs and expectations. Although common anger can be managed, it takes a great effort as discussed by the Jewish masters of character refinement.
The second type of anger is the result of being emotionally wounded as a child, This anger is much harder to manage by will power alone, It often manifests itself as rage which damages one’s relationships and one’s ability to live a fulfilling and productive life.
Shaun was ashamed of how easily his anger got triggered in his dating relationships. As a result he decided he couldn’t date until he figured it out. If a woman offered an opinion about the tie he was wearing, he would retaliate with a defensive barb. If a date showed up ten minutes late, he would attack her for being uncaring. His anger was so bad, that he couldn’t have conversation about anything without getting agitated. As soon as a woman expressed an opinion slightly different than his own, he would begin to argue with her, trying to persuade her that she was wrong and he was right.
In therapy, Shaun discovered that his anger was rooted in his childhood. His father was forever telling him how disappointed he was in him for his grades in school and his performance on the sports field. He felt that there was nothing he could do to get a positive word from his dad. And when dad wasn’t criticizing him he was absent and self-absorbed. He consistently broke his promises to be at various events in Shaun’s life, constantly disappointing him. As a result Shaun built up a burning rage towards his dad for negating his existence and significance as a human being. Buried inside the adult Shaun lived a wounded, hurt, and angry little boy.
No wonder Shaun’s anger was easily triggered by anyone who disagreed with him or disappointed him. Any disagreement was interpreted unconsciously as an erasure of his selfhood the same way he felt as a child in the face of his dad’s criticism and neglect. As he began to stop transferring his rage from his dad onto others, he was slowly able to stop seeing other people as expressions of his dad’s abuse. He was able to see people who disagreed with him not as dangerous and bad people like his dad, but as normal people who had their own opinions and deficiencies. Learning to see people not as manifestations of his abusive dad, eventually freed him from his rage.
Donna came to therapy exhausted and depressed after fifteen years of a tortuous marriage. Her husband, Bart, was an argumentative and controlling person who could not tolerate any opposition when he felt he was in the right It seemed as if every conversation turned into a fight. As a result she learned to retreat, keep her mouth shut and try to avoid him as much as possible. This strategy minimized the conflicts but it killed any semblance of intimacy.
Her therapist asked her if she thought she was a good listener. Being a mental health professional she felt she was. After getting a clearer picture about their communication patterns, her therapist realized that Donna might have decent listening skills with others but not with her husband. She suggested that Donna try practicing listening to her husband in an emotionally attuned way when ever he began to fight with her, Her therapist instructed her how to listen in an attuned way by repeating back what he said trying to capture the feeling tone as well.
Having nothing to lose, Donna agreed to give it a try. Two week later, she reported an unbelievable change in her husband. The more she listened to him and mirrored his anger and pain, the calmer he became. Donna realized that having grownup with parents who were both emotionally detached and unable to be a relational home for his feelings, Bart felt emotionally neglected. He came to an unconscious belief that no one would ever listen to and care about his feelings. As a result, he was always on the defensive while at the same time deeply longing for an empathetic ear. He got stuck in a self-destructive pattern that whenever he tried to express himself he elicited an adversarial response from his wife. This confirmed his unconscious belief that no one was capable of listening to him. When Donna started to really listen, the sad and angry little boy inside suddenly calmed down and felt alive for the first time in his life. Since then Donna and Bart have continued to listen to each other and their relationship has slowly grown into a more intimate and loving one.
The neglected and wounded child within, is often the cause of adult rage which is both self-destructive and destructive to others. Understanding one’s emotional development and one’s childhood wounds is often the only way that adults with intense rage overcome their anger and find peace.