Joanie, a 30 year old single woman and a survivor of childhood trauma, talked to me about how hopeless and helpless she feels about making anything meaningful out of her life. The more she shared her story of futility, the more overwhelmed I felt by the intensity of her despair and powerlessness. I wondered how I could possibly help her to expand her narrow perspective about herself and her life and free her from her personal prison.
As she talked about her loneliness, her dead end career, and her abusive boss, she mentioned, “And no one appreciates me. I try so hard, but all I get from my boss is discouragement and criticism.” Usually, my response would be to explore the meaning of her feelings within the context of her relationship with her boss and other relationships in which she also felt powerless and unable to take care of herself. Picking up on her comment, I decided to take a different approach and asked. “So what do you think is something your boss should appreciate about you and your work?” With surprising confidence she said, “Well, for one thing, I am always there for others in the office who also feel unappreciated and I try to encourage and support them.”
This comment opened the door to an entirely new type of conversation, as I discovered two things that Joanie values most about herself which are fairness, fighting for the underdog and being emotionally supportive. By the end of the session, Joanie was sharing other experiences where she helped those in compromised and weakened positions. For the first time in her life, she was taking ownership of some core values she cherished and was now beginning to identify herself as the embodiment of these positive values and beliefs. Until now, she had only identified herself as the embodiment of failure and incompetence. Her story of hopelessness was beginning to turn into a story of hopefulness as she began to own those values and behaviors that were always important aspects of who she was.
People who are stuck or struggling in life often have constructed what is called a problem-saturated story. When the problem saturated story becomes the only story and the main focus of one’s attention, it defines one’s identity and one’s way of being in the world.
In order to liberate oneself from a problem saturated story, it is necessary to look for the subplots and secondary themes that also exist but have been forgotten about. Identifying and embodying these “lost” values that one cherishes becomes the outline for writing a new empowering life story replacing the old problem-saturated story.
This approach can be especially transformative for parents who have a child who is trapped in a problem- saturated story, whether it be a story about ADD, bullying, isolation, poor self-esteem etc. Sometimes, trying to solve the problem or medicating the child only serves to strengthen the hold of the problem-saturated story. (Although, medication is indeed an appropriate intervention when other approaches have failed) The job of the parent is to help the child identify and embody those unique values and beliefs that she possesses and write, so to speak, a new, empowering story in which she becomes the hero rather than the loser of her story.
This approach is not about making lists of good qualities and strengthening oneself by repeating positive affirmations or someone else giving compliments and encouragement. Rather, it is about identifying, owning, and embodying those values and beliefs that one treasures about oneself, making them the primary focus of a new story.
When a person begins to write a new life story, embracing one’s true treasures, one experiences a powerful shift in identity as one’s horizons expand and new possibilities are realized. How about you? Is it time to write a new story about your life?