It is extremely important to understand that the emotional experience of low self-esteem is the experience of shame. Shame is the feeling that is generated when we evaluate or judge ourselves or some aspect of ourselves as defective, inferior, or bad. People with low self-esteem believe they are bad in some way or another; the more defects one identifies, the more shame one feels.
Shame is fundamentally a relational experience in that when I feel shame, I am concerned that others see me as defective even though there may be no one present at the moment I feel shame. Feeling ashamed because my vocabulary is limited as I write an email generates shame because this flaw has social implications. Shame is experienced in the eyes of others. Thus is the meaning of the phrase, “those shaming eyes.”
There are three main types of shame:
- Developmental shame. This is perhaps the most toxic and crushing of the three types of shame because it often tends to be traumatic. (I define trauma as an experience of unbearable emotional pain which is born alone without a relational home to contain and make sense of it. Emotional pain only becomes traumatic i.e. overwhelming, in the absence of human support and understanding.) When a child is subjected to constant criticism, neglect, manipulation, etc he or she often concludes unconsciously that she is fundamentally flawed and defective. This type of shame becomes the definition of who one is at one’s core which is why it is so destructive. Individuals who suffer with developmental shame often live with loud condemning voices such as, “You are a total loser. You are doomed. You are a weak and helpless person.”
- Moral shame. Moral shame means I believe I am bad because I make bad decisions and do the wrong things. Moral shame also includes having bad thoughts, feelings, desires, and fantasies. A person who sees herself as morally defective and hence a bad person will be plagued by shame.
- Competency shame. This is type of shame is caused by feeling deficient in certain life skills that interfere with ones ability to succeed socially and professionally.
Building self-esteem requires reducing shame and increasing feelings of pride through self-acceptance. The more we accept ourselves the less shame we feel. Here are some action steps:
1 Identify what you feel shame about and try to detach the shame from that issue by seeing it as a fact and limitation about you rather than a defect. I may feel shame about not having enough formal education. Once I can accept this lack as a fact rather than a defect, I am freed from the shame and can do something about improving myself. Shame constricts and derails growth, while self-acceptance liberates and allows for growth.
2 Resist comparing yourself with others. Recognize that your limitations and struggles are unique and unlike anyone else’s since they are based on your unique history, family of origin, temperament, social conditioning, and education. For example, I may struggle with anger. Once I am able to recognize that my anger is different from anyone else’s based on my unique life experience, I will see that comparing myself to someone else is useless and a waste of time. Accepting that my anger is unique to me, frees me to begin improving myself based on where I am rather than where I think I should be.
3 Accept and celebrate being human. Human beings are highly messy and imperfect creatures. Judaism reminds us that our greatest leaders made serious mistakes. Moses is even accused by G-d of not believing in Him! When you feel like being hard on yourself, try giving yourself permission to be human. Embracing ones humanity is not a way to avoid taking responsibility, but actually empowers us to take responsibility. We cannot think about change when we are drowning in shame and beating ourselves up for not being perfect.
4 Part of giving ourselves permission to be human is learning to be more self-forgiving and self-compassionate. Ironically, people tend to be less forgiving about themselves than G-d is! G-d knows that we are prone to making mistakes and being imperfect which is why He gave us an instruction in the Torah of self-correction. If G-d expects us to be perfect, He would not have made any allowances for making mistakes.
Being human is beautiful and sweet. But those who suffer with low self-esteem and are imprisoned in shame prison only experience the bitterness and anguish of being human. The way out of shame prison is the path of total self-acceptance. The more we accept ourselves with our flaws and limitations, the better we feel about ourselves and the sweeter life becomes.