There are many factors that determine the success or failure of any relationship, whether it be in a work setting, in marriage, or in friendships. Much ink has been spilled about the centrality of communication and problem solving as the top ingredients for success in love and friendships. But I have learned that communication and problem solving are virtually impossible without the more fundamental ingredients of trust and safety.
I have spent many frustrating therapy sessions trying to teach adversarial couples how to communicate. The reason I was frustrated was because I failed to address the deeper underlying issue of emotional safety and feeling securely attached. Without building a secure attachment there can be no productive communication.
A secure attachment is an absolute prerequisite for productive communication. When we don’t feel safe with someone, we naturally go into a protective and defensive mode. We use our words to protect and defend not to build and problem solve. And as long as we don’t feel safe, we will continue to protect ourselves which keeps us in a state of emotional distance and disconnection. If the attachment problems are not resolved, a couple will continue to drift apart. In marriage, this is why couples end up living like roommates. When we don’t feel safe, love and friendship die.
What builds secure attachments and safety is the ability for each person to listen to and validate each other’s deepest emotional pain and to understand how each other’s attachment needs have not been met. When couples are vulnerable with each other in this way, safety and trust begin to grow.
If you are in a relationship that feels unfulfilling, distant, and disconnected, I invite you to explore with me the core issues of trust, safety, and feeling securely attached. The initial consult is complimentary.