There are two types of anger. The first type is anger most of us experience when someone does not act in
accord with our will, needs and expectations. The guy schmoozing with the bank teller when I’m tenth in
line and feeling pressured to get to the office makes me angry. When my wife doesn’t meet my love
language for words of affirmation, I react with anger. When the rabbi talks longer than I prefer, I feel
angry at him.
This type of anger is manageable in that one can learn to control it by working on the character trait of
patience which is the ability to tolerate the pain that other people cause when they oppose my will.
Patience requires recognizing that the world does not revolve around my will, needs and expectations.
Although common anger can be managed, it takes a great effort as discussed by the Jewish masters of
character refinement.
The second type of anger is the result of being emotionally wounded as a child, This anger is much
harder to manage by will power alone, It often manifests itself as rage which damages one’s relationships
and one’s ability to live a fulfilling and productive life.
Shaun was ashamed of how easily his anger got triggered in his dating relationships. As a result he
decided he couldn’t date until he figured it out. If a woman offered an opinion about the tie he was
wearing, he would retaliate with a defensive barb. If a date showed up ten minutes late, he would attack
her for being uncaring. His anger was so bad, that he couldn’t have conversation about anything without
getting agitated. As soon as a woman expressed an opinion slightly different than his own, he would
begin to argue with her, trying to persuade her that she was wrong and he was right.
In therapy, Shaun discovered that his anger was rooted in his childhood. His father was forever telling
him how disappointed he was in him for his grades in school and his performance on the sports field. He
felt that there was nothing he could do to get a positive word from his dad. And when dad wasn’t
criticizing him he was absent and self-absorbed. He consistently broke his promises to be at various
events in Shaun’s life, constantly disappointing him. As a result Shaun built up a burning rage towards
his dad for negating his existence and significance as a human being. Buried inside the adult Shaun lived
a wounded, hurt, and angry little boy.
Over time, he learned to stop transferring his rage from his dad onto others and stop seeing other people
as expressions of his dad’s abuse. He was able to see people who disagreed with him not as dangerous people like his dad, but as normal people who had their own opinions and deficiencies. Learning
to see people not as manifestations of his abusive dad eventually freed Shaun from his rage.
The neglected and wounded child within is often the cause of adult rage which is both self-destructive and destructive to others. Understanding one’s emotional development and one’s childhood wounds is often the only way that adults with intense rage overcome their anger and begin to find true peace.