When we are not at peace, it is often because of an inner conflict we don’t understand. Much of the time, the
conflict means that we are avoiding facing a frightening truth about ourselves and our lives. As long as we
resist facing this truth, we will be at war with ourselves.
Our most important truths are often embedded in our greatest pain. Physical pain in our body tells us
something is not right in our body, so too, emotional pain indicates that there is a “sickness” in our soul.
This is why dismissing or numbing our feelings is always a bad idea. The more we try to hide from this
truth, the more anxious and uneasy we become as our life slips away from our control.
Natalie is angry at her husband of one year for not protecting her from his controlling mother. Her attempts
to convince him to set stronger boundaries and put her in her place got his attention and he tried to be
stronger with his mom. But Natalie’s deep fear of her mother-in-law has stayed entrenched in her heart. She
could no longer bear the anxiety and fear any longer, and concluded that she had no choice but to seek a
divorce.
Then came the breakthrough moment when she discovered the truth embedded in her fear. She realized she
was depending on her husband to protect her, because she felt utterly helpless and powerless to protect and
take care of her self. In her marriage she felt like the little girl who was attacked by her mother every time
she tried to assert her opinions and needs. Natalie grew up with a mother who beat her down every time she
tried to be assertive and express herself. Passivity and helplessness became engrained in her personality. She
only knew one way to be in a relationship with a strong person which was to cave in and crumble. Her
childhood pain became her destiny in her marriage. When she discovered this core truth about herself, she
instantly felt at peace and empowered. When our biggest struggle becomes clear in the larger context of our
life history, we come alive and our will to grow is activated. Natalie accept responsibility to become an
assertive person. She was determined to no longer be a helpless, powerless little girl.
Alex at forty was burned out. Although he had a family and a lucrative business, he felt his life was devoid
of meaning. To cope with his pain, he smoked marijuana most every day. In the conversation that led to his
breakthrough he said, “I have no idea what love is.” The truth embedded in his feelings of meaningless was
obvious, a life without love is a meaningless life. He did not feel loved, even though he was married to a
very loving wife. He had grown up in home where feeling loved was painfully absent. He immediately
understood what was missing from his life and began to explore his loveless life narrative and how to begin
to feel love and give love.
I have long believed, that the better we understand our feelings the better we understand ourselves. Our
feelings are the gateway to self-discovery and self-understanding. If we have the courage to listen to our
pain and learn from it, we will find inner peace and empowerment. When we stop fighting our feelings and
acknowledge them, we find peace and the beginning of an authentic growth process. This concept is
beautifully captured by playwright, Arthur Miller, which I have often quoted.
I think it’s a mistake to ever look for hope outside of one’s self…I tried
to die near the end of the war. The same dream returned each night until I
dared not to sleep and grew quite ill. I dreamed I had a child and even in the
dream I saw it was my life, and it was hideous, and I ran away. But it
always crept onto my lap again and clutched at my clothes. Until I thought,
if I could kiss it, whatever in it was my own, perhaps I could sleep. And I
bent to its broken face, and it was horrible…but I kissed it. I think one
must finally take one’s life in one’s arms (After the Fall)