A primary reason why people feel out of control of their lives is because they are not in
control of their feelings. We either control our feelings or our feelings will control us.
When our feelings control us we generally make bad decisions. When we are in control
of our feelings, we tend to make good decisions. The key to gaining control over our
feelings is to process them in order to understand the meaning of our feelings.
Understanding our feelings empowers us to make good decisions and when we make
good decisions, we feel in control of our lives. When we impulsively follow our feelings
without understanding them, we most always will make bad and self-defeating decisions.
Tom feels consistent pressure from his girlfriend to meet her needs. At times he feels
afraid of her. But he is also afraid of losing her, so he consistently gives in to her
requests which results in resenting her. When the resentment gets to a certain point, he
unconsciously disappoint her by “overlooking” something really important to her, such as
dropping by the family barbeque. She in turn feels baffled and hurt by his lack of
consideration and explodes at him. Tom doesn’t get her attacking him and feels he does
so much. Why can’t she cut him some slack? As a result, he feels powerless and thinks
that he can never make her happy.
Tom is unable to listen to his feelings. His fear of his girlfriend is very serious and must
be processed and understood. Because he ignores his feelings, he begins acting in a
passive-aggressive way, making bad decisions that hurt his girlfriend and damages their
relationship. If he would face his fear and understand its meaning, he would be able to
understand himself and make better decisions. The most obvious decision would be to
talk to her about his fear of her. This would lead to a better understanding of his needs as
well as hers, significantly improving their relationship. .
Valerie is single and miserable. She feels hopeless and out of control about her prospects
of getting married. She feels she has tried everything to find a good guy. What she
hasn’t tried is being honest with her self. Valerie suffers from tremendous shame about
her dysfunctional family. She dreads being asked, “So tell me about your family.” She
dreads the day she will have to introduce a guy to her mom who is an embarrassment to
her. As a result, she lies about her family. If she would to face her shame and the ugly
truth about how she perceives her family, she might discover a more truthful approach to
dating. But as long as she denies the truth, she will feel out of control and helpless.
When we feel out of control of our lives, we gain a sense of control by turning inwards to
face our feelings, and make sense of them. This self-understanding will free us from
being controlled by our feelings and enable us to make good decisions which will give us
a renewed sense of empowerment and freedom.