Here are three basic types of relational conversations:
The Adversarial Conversation
The adversarial couples fights, bickers, and attacks. Their communication style is to take a stand, stake out a position, and defend their territory. They exhaust themselves trying to convince each other to give in and come over to their side. They would rather be right than be loved. They bargain, plead, yell, scream in a hysterical attempt to get the other person to listen and pay attention to their feelings, needs, and pain. A wise woman once said, “The reason why two people scream louder and louder at each other is because their hearts are so far apart that they need to scream to bridge the gulf between them.” How sad. You’d think couples stuck in an adversarial conversation would eventually figure out that this isn’t working and try something different.
The Alienated Conversation
The alienated conversation is a tired one because the couple has essentially given up. They might have been adversarial at one point but have now quit, exhausted from conflict. The smoldering embers of their love grow cold. They have settled into co-existing, there is little friendship and no romance. Politeness takes the place of playfulness and plastic smiles take the place of laughter. They speak in formalized, terse, sterile tones, avoiding conflict and avoiding intimacy as they starve each other of affection. They go through the motions of being coupled. Paul Simon paints a painful picture of the alienated conversation:
And we sit and drink our coffee
Couched in our indifference like shells upon the shore.
You can hear the ocean roar
In the dangling conversation and the superficial sighs
the borders of our lives…
And like a poem poorly written,
We are verses out of rhythm, couplets out of rhyme in syncopated time,
Lost in the dangling conversation and the superficial sights, the borders of our lives
And I only kiss your shadow, I cannot feel your hand,
you’re a stranger now unto me.
In the dangling conversation, and the superficial sighs
the borders of our lives.
If your relationship is growing cold, there exists another conversation other than the “dangling conversation.”
The Collaborative Conversation
This is where hope lies in wait. To rekindle a dying love, a couple must be willing to make a radical shift and strive to create a new kind of conversation that is collaborative. What creates a collaborative conversation is the ability to confide in each other rather than blame each other.
In order to confide a person must be able to do the following four things:
- Be able to control one’s anger and reactivity
- Be honest with ones self, owning one’s pain, unmet needs, and longings
- Speak only in I-sentences, not in you-sentences which imply blame
- Tolerate the anxiety of being vulnerable
I am at a party noticing that my wife is talking with another man. I start to feel angry, jealous, hurt, betrayed. I want to attack and hurt her in return for hurting me. I am not thinking straight and reacting out of control. I realize I must talk with her but realize I have to identify what’s most painful for me. When I talk with my wife instead of attacking her, I confide in her.
“I need to let you know how jealous I felt and hurt tonight when you were talking with Sam. I can’t begin to express how betrayed I felt. Maybe I’m way over reacting but this is how I feel. Maybe I’m too sensitive and insecure and should trust you more, but I guess I’m not that confident in our relationship. I really love you and need your help.”
I anxiously wait to see how she will respond. She could take advantage of my vulnerability and defend herself or choose to be collaborative.
I am relieved as she says, “I hear how painful it was for you watching me talk with Sam. I can imagine how I might have felt if it was a reversed scenario. Our relationship is the most important thing in the world to me. At the same time, I need to know you trust me and I need freedom to make my own decisions about who I talk to. I can’t feel like I’m a bad person for talking with another man once in a while. Let’s try to figure this out so we both feel ok.
These are the sounds of a collaborative conversation taking place. Are you in a loveless relationship? If so, try going to your partner and say, “I’m tired of fighting, feeling disconnected and alienated. I want something better for both of us. Can we try something new? With these words, you have started a new type of conversation. You have taken a huge step towards creating a collaborative relationship and finding love.