Josh and Ann are fighting because Josh saw Ann flirting with an “old friend.”
Jerry and Laurie are fighting because Jerry is always on his phone
Bill and Terry are fighting because Terry has had it with his drinking
Abe and Sarah are fighting because they never can make ends meet
Etc. etc, etc…..
Couples fight when they are unable to effectively problem solve together. At the root of every fight is a problem that begs to be solved. Unfortunately, emotions often take over, things escalate, and before you know it husband and wife, business partners, relatives are screaming at each other, hurting each other as their relationship disintegrates.
Here’s a simple yet powerful strategy that can stop any fight and shift a fighting couple from an adversarial stance to a collaborative stance. There are 4 steps:
Step 1: When a fight starts, one person has to say clearly and strongly, “Let’s stop fighting. We have a problem that needs to be solved.” Of course, this won’t work unless both people agree beforehand, in a state of calm, to use this strategy. It can’t work as unilateral intervention. But when both people agree to use this intervention, you’ll be amazed to see that fighting will become less and less of an option.
Every fight is about some problem that the couple has an equal share in. Of course, one person may be the initial cause and catalyst of the problem, like Ann’s “flirting.” With a guy. But in a relationship there is no such thing as “you are the problem.” Every problem is our problem because both people, in some way, contribute to fueling the conflict. For example, If Josh was more secure, perhaps he would see Ann’s behavior simply as talking and not as flirting. There would be no problem and peace would reign.
The person drilling the hole on his side of the boat, can’t say to the other person in the boat, “Hey what’s your problem? I’m drilling the hole on my side of the boat.” Clearly, both will drown when the boat sinks. .
When a couple agrees to stop the verbal sparing, they immediately shift from an adversarial stance to a collaborative stance.
Step 2: Identify and name the problem. The next step towards deepening the collaboration is to agree on what the problem is. This is not always easy to do because any given problem often has layers to it. To put it another way, what seems to be the problem may only be the symptom of a deeper underlying problem. I’ll say more about this shortly. But you have to start somewhere. For example, Josh and Ann may agree the problem is that Ann is a flirt. A more useful way of stating the problem may be that Ann and Josh have different attitudes towards boundaries with the opposite sex. What’s important is to agree on giving a name to the problem. This gives the two of you a common focus for working together to try solving the problem.
Step 3: Start working together to solve the problem. At this stage, you are experiencing a high level of collaboration. Josh and Ann could discuss their opinions about what each feels are appropriate boundaries between men and women. Their goal is to try to find a win-win solution which means that both feel good about the solution and neither one feels like the loser. From a counseling perspective, this is called repairing the breakdown. A good repair is when neither person has any residual bad feelings. Each person needs to be honest about how they feel. If both feel good then it’s repaired. If not, then they need to keep working to find a better solution. Many couples don’t arrive at a satisfactory repair and leave the conversation feeling upset. Multiple failures to repair results in a build up of resentment and anger which spells doom for most relationships.
Step 4: Be on the alert for underlying, deeper issues. When a couple has difficulty agreeing on what the problem is or when they agree, but can’t find a solution this usually means there is a deeper underlying issue. Most underlying problems stem from unresolved developmental disturbances and trauma.
After an hour of talking about boundary issues, Josh is still upset. He still feels hurt and angry at Ann. There’s a deeper, underlying issue that is bothering Josh. Ann’s “talking to her old friend,” has triggered for Josh his fear of abandonment which he is unaware of. His parent’s divorce when he was eleven was very frightening for him. Unconsciously, he has feared that Ann will walk out on him just like his Dad abruptly walked out on the family. Ann’s conversation with her friend triggered a traumatic response in Josh. He felt he needed to fight to keep Ann in his life and so he attacked her for “flirting.”
What makes it hard to spot an underlying issue is that the person who has the issue has usually unconsciously built a strong defensive strategy to protect him or herself from being overwhelmed and crushed by certain threatening feelings. When a couple repeatedly finds themselves stuck on a specific issue that they can’t resolve, it is wise at that point to seek out professional help
Judaism’s ultimate definition of marital success is called shalom byit—a home of peace. The first step toward building a home of peace is to stop hurtful and destructive fighting. I believe that a couple who commits to using these four steps will find it easier than they think to avoid destructive fighting and build a collaborative relationship.