Feelings are information. In order to grow and become our best self, it is essential to listen and learn from them. In order to grow, we must be emotionally honest with ourselves. Here are eight ways that feelings help us grow in order to actualize our vast potential.
- Growing in self-care.
Identifying and meeting our unique emotional needs.
Jon’s friend’s are major party animals. He enjoys hanging out with them because they add an element of excitement to his life. But occasionally, he feels when surrounded by lots of people that his energy is drained and he needs to be alone. When his friends put pressure on him to join the party, he feels confused about what’s the right thing to do. At times he feels that maybe he’s anti-social. Nonetheless, after struggling with his feelings he decided to listen to them. He realized that he is not anti-social but a bit of an introvert and that he simply needs more alone time to recharge his batteries. He has recently become much better at passing on certain outings and feels much better about himself and social life.
- Growing in intimacy
Deepening the heart to heart connection through being vulnerable
Michelle’s boy friend is a very hard driving guy who wants to build his own online business. Michelle is not so driven in her career and has a more balanced approach to life. Recently, Mark has been making critical comments about Michelle’s lack of ambition. She felt judged, and hurt by his comments.
When they had some quiet time, she decided to talk to him about how she was feeling. After hearing her out, he realized how much he really did respect her as a person and how much he cared about her. He thanked her for being open and honest with him about her feelings. After some reflection, he realized that his criticalness was actually coming from his own insecurities and he decided to get some help and guidance. As a result of Michelle’s communication, the depth of their relationship grew tremendously.
- Knowing yourself
Identifying and owning all that’s truly and uniquely mine
Amy thought she was doing well at her law firm until they had a professional development seminar led by a psychologist who specialized in group facilitation skills. Amy was fascinated by her presentation and even felt a bit jealous of her ability to impact their team of lawyers in ways that she never dreamt was possible. Amy was distressed but didn’t know why.
After she talked with a friend about her feelings, she realized that doing that type of work was much more exciting and attractive to her than being a lawyer. She discovered a part of herself that she had pushed away since she was in college, remembering how much she enjoyed psychology. But because her family put so much pressure on her to become a lawyer, she never owned this part of her. Upon getting to know herself in this way, new career possibilities opened up for her.
- Finding your life purpose
Identifying and making one’s unique contribution to the world.
Jacob was one of the best Talmud students in the Yeshiva. He studied day and night and developed a reputation of someone who was not only hard working but really knew his stuff. His Rabbis told him that if continued on this path, he could be a great teacher and perhaps reach the status of becoming a Rosh Hayeshiva, the chief rabbi of a yeshiva. Although Jacob enjoyed his studies, he also derived great pleasure from reading secular philosophy.
He tried to ignore this feeling because it meant leaving the yeshiva to study in a university, something that was not strongly supported in his yeshiva. Eventually, he could no longer ignore his desires and interests in philosophy. He made a courageous decision to enroll in university. After receiving his Ph.d in philosophy, while continuing his Talmud study, he found a way to integrate both of these disciplines in writing books on difficult topics of Jewish philosophy that appealed to both secular and religious Jews alike. Jacob felt a deep sense of satisfaction in this work knowing he was on the path to fulfilling his unique potential and life purpose.
- Growing spiritually
Courageously seeking the truth wherever it may lead
Sara was deeply struggling over her relationship with G-d. One of her best friends was diagnosed with a serious illness which made her question for the first time how she really felt about G-d. She grew up believing in G-d and not questioning her beliefs. Now she was swamped by a barrage of feelings and questions. She was feeling angry at G-d and then feeling guilty for feeling angry. She felt shame that she was not a good Jew and was slipping spiritually.
Confusion became more and more a constant emotion as her journey continued. A part of Sara just wanted to go back to when she felt comfortable. But she realized she could never return to her old spirituality. She needed to confront each of these feelings and questions and work them through. There was no turning back. Over time, she gained a new level of clarity. As her understanding increased so did her inner peace .
- Building character
Human greatness is measured by greatness of character
Norm was a very impatient person. As marketing director of a large clothing company, he had little patience for colleagues who were careless and lazy. But his yearly review changed all this as he was told that people were afraid of him and didn’t like working for him. He had to either become a more patient person or find another job.
Norm decided he really liked this job and took on the challenge of becoming more patient. He realized that impatience is really about anger. Why was he so angry all the time? As he explored his anger, he realized some very upsetting things about himself and in particular, his relationship with his older brother who had always bullied him. Eventually, he reached out for some professional help as he could no longer make sense of his feelings by himself. Over time as Norm understood the meaning of his anger, he become less reactive and more patient. He was on the path to making a significant change in character.
- Making good decisions
The quality of a person’s life is measured by the sum total of one’s decisions
Natasha was constantly anxious in her relationship with Ralph. She felt she was always walking on egg shells around him, never feeling she could be herself and was constantly monitoring what she said and how she said it. On the other hand, Ralph had so much she was looking for in a man. He was dependable, smart, friendly, and generous. They were also on the same page in terms of values and priorities and he was also very interested in getting married.
Natasha felt uneasy about deciding to get engaged. She needed to understand her anxiety and why she felt so unsafe with Ralph. She decided to talk it out with a friend who helped her to see that she was potentially in an abusive relationship. She decided to confront Ralph with how she was feeling. Much to her surprise, he was receptive and agreed to get some professional help. After six months, she was feeling more relaxed, at peace, and decided she could go forward and get engaged.
- Building self-esteem and core emotional strength
When we embrace reality no matter how painful, we become stronger and feel more alive
Sammy was generally an aloof and distant person. He preferred being alone, but often felt isolated. He tended to avoid talking about certain topics with friends because he felt uninformed and not as smart as others. He often felt a lot of shame about his intelligence and as a result lacked confidence which directly impacted advancing in his career. Feeling insecure, he chose to stay where it felt safe.
Sammy was in conflict between the part of him that wanted to grow and the part of him that was full of shame. This conflict drained him of his emotional strength. Thankfully, a good friend finally convinced him to take responsibility for his insecurities and get to the root of them. After several months of counseling, Sammy was feeling stronger, more alive, more confident, and less conflicted as he came to accept himself more.
As you can see by these examples, our feelings truly are our friends and our teachers. When we listen to them, explore them, and understand them, new world of possibility open up for us. Certainly, the royal road to self-discovery and self-realization lies in our paying close attention to our feelings.