In general, I believe the root of most of our emotional and relational problems is the
generic issue of self-worthlessness. People who love themselves are generally happy and
highly functioning people.
The most insidious dimension of self-esteem is self-hate. Dr. Blaise Aguirre, in his
recent book, I Hate Myself, uncovers the psychological nightmare of self-hate. Self-hate
is like a personality disorder in that it defines the person. Self-hating people cannot
remember a time when they didn’t hate themselves. They feel that at their core, they are
rotten and make everything they come in contact with sour. Self-hate is the core of their
personality and blackens their character.
Self-critical individuals are more forgiving. Many people with “low self-esteem” and
who beat themselves up are not self-hating. They have just developed a bad habit of
being too hard on themselves. It is not as chronic and pervasive as self-hate. But don’t
get me wrong. Life is no walk in the park for people who beat themselves up when they
fail, make bad decisions, or make mistakes. A bad habit is easier to break than uprooting
a core belief that one is fundamentally rotten.
Dr. Aquirre, who has worked with 5000 people with Borderline Personality Disorder
which often breeds self-hate, gives two insights into change. First, self-hate is a learned
mindset. The question he asks his patients is, “who were your teachers who taught you to
hate yourself.” His second insight for change is to recognize that there was a time in your
early childhood when you did not hate yourself. There was a time when you knew you
were good. He suggests the work of therapy is learning how to hold on to this new belief
that one’s core self is good and lovable, while withstanding the onslaught of life
challenges that threaten one’s self-worth.
How we evaluate our worth and goodness determines our destiny in life. Self-hate and
self-criticism are problems that have solutions. There is hope for those who struggle with
such challenges.