My patient was locked into being angry at her husband for not making enough money.
Instead of exploring the meaning of her anger, I chose to respond with Dr. Phil’s famous
question, “So how’s that working for you?” The question took her by surprise as she
responded by saying, “It’s not working well for me at all. I hate myself for being angry at
him. I want to feel close and love him”
Suddenly, her entire mindset shifted as she realized there was a possibility that she didn’t
have to be angry at him. She realized that her anger was not a fact which she had no
control over. She felt empowered as she began to envision new possibilities of how to
respond to her husband’s financial challenges other than being angry. She recognized
that she was responsible for her anger and the emotional distance she had created
between her and her husband.
It is common to feel stuck in a particular feeling, attitude, belief or assumption. We can
feel so stuck that we believe the way we’re experiencing a situation is the only way to
experience it, as if it’s an immutable fact. This sense of feeling trapped leads to
hopelessness and depression which inevitably leads to feeling like a victim and the loss of
feeling responsible. We blame our pain on the circumstances and forget the truth that we
are always responsible for the way we experience life. It’s not what happens to us that
matters, but how we respond to what happens to us.
The truth is that we always have options. When we start taking responsibility for our
lives, we can find new possibilities for problems which feel like immovable mountains.
Do you feel stuck? Are you struggling with an aspect of your personality that feels like it
will never change? So how’s that working for you?