Listening is one of the greatest acts of kindness a person can do. People may not remember what
you said or what you did, but they will always remember how you made them feel. When we
listen to another person’s feelings, we are conveying a powerful message: “You matter to me.
Your life matters to me. Your struggles and pain matter to me.” When we don’t listen and
dismiss other people’s feelings, we convey the opposite message: “You, your life, and all that’s
unique about you don’t matter to me.”
Listening strengthens, soothes, and encourages. Remember how it felt to be understood by
someone who took the time to listen to you? Remember how empowering it was? Remember
when you tried to tell someone how you felt and they didn’t listen? Remember how awful it felt?
How disappointed, disempowered, and perhaps angry you felt? When we listen to someone’s
feelings we give them life. When we invalidate someone’s feelings, we destroy a bit of their will
to live. This is why people who are isolated and don’t have someone who cares enough about
them to listen, feel depressed and hopeless. Everyone needs a relational home for their feelings.
We need a safe person who we know will listen and respect our emotional pain and struggles.
How great it is to be one who listens!
This is especially true for children. One of the most important aspects of good parenting is to
provide a relational home for your child’s feelings. When a parent listens to her child’s feelings,
she is helping the child to listen to his or her own feelings. Children learn about their own
feelings to the extent that their parents take an interest in their feelings. If the parent takes the
child’s feelings seriously, the child learns to take his own feelings seriously. Validating a child’s
emotional world is how the parent contributes to strengthening the child’s inner core and self-
worth. When a child feels understood and accepted, he learns to accept and respect himself.
Listening in an attuned way builds one’s core emotional strength. When a parent does not listen
and invalidates a child’s feelings, it damages his core strength.
Listening is a key to building intimacy and closeness. When our partner doesn’t listen to our
feelings and perceptions, we feel unloved, rejected, and alone Couples who don’t listen to each
other never achieve deep intimacy and connection, Listening builds secure attachments. To build
intimacy, we need to be vulnerable and to be vulnerable we must feel safe. We only feel safe with
someone who listens and validates what we’re experiencing. When our partner doesn’t listen, we
shut down and withdraw.
Listening is by far one of the most important life skills a person needs to acquire and master. Take a moment and consider how much healing could be brought into the world if people would do less talking and do more listening.