Five steps to move disconnected couples towards connection.
1.Recognize how much you have dehumanized each other
When couples reach a state of contempt for each other, they have lost the ability to see each other as real
people who need and want to be loved. Instead, they see each other as enemies who only want to cause pain.
To put it bluntly, they have lost their humanity and see each other as monsters who have no genuine human
feelings and are incapable of love and nurturing.
2. Recognize how much you need each other.
This is a huge step for couples who are emotionally disconnected. But the truth is they do need each other in
the deepest way, to feel loved and cared about. Perhaps the strongest emotional need in a human being is the
need for connection. To help couples appreciate how much they need each other, I suggest they try to
remember a time in their relationship when they experienced the other as caring, safe, and loving. If you had
it once, you can reclaim it now. When two people can be vulnerable enough to acknowledge that they need
each other, human feelings begin to emerge..
3. Recognize that your fighting is a desperate cry to be seen and understood.
Couples angrily raise their voices because they are trying to get the other person’s attention. They
desperately want the other person to see them and care about their struggle to feel loved. When two people
recognize that what they deeply long for is to be seen and understood, they begin to calm down, relax, and
stop fighting.
4. Shift into a listening mode.
Stephen Covey said it best, “Seek first to understand and then to be understood.” Listening is what
transforms and heals a broken relationship. What’s required is to stop trying so hard to get your partner to
understand you and make a decision to listen and understand your partner’s point of view and his or her
unique emotional world. Shifting to a listening stance is what begins the reconnecting process and is what
truly heals wounded and discouraged hearts.
5. Turn angry demands and threats into a warm conversation about emotional needs
Vanessa had no idea that Jeff’s unrelenting criticism and attacks on her inability to keep the house clean was
actually a very deep attachment need. Jeff associated taking care of the house with taking care of him.
Unfortunately Jeff could not articulate this as a need because he did not know how to speak about his
emotional needs. The core challenge with couples who are disconnected is learning how talk about their
emotional needs and express them clearly and effectively. Lacking this skill, couples resort to aggressive
and angry demands which are always met with resistance. Couples connect emotionally when they can tell
each other what they need, feel understood, and receive validation from each other.
(For those who would like a more thorough explanation and how to apply these ideas, see Hold Me Tight, by
Dr. Sue Johnson)